Why People Think They Are Good Listeners (But Aren’t)
We all like to think of ourselves as good listeners. We nod along, maintain eye contact, and even throw in an occasional “I understand.” But are we truly listening? Or are we just waiting for our turn to speak?
How many times have you been in a conversation where the other person shares something personal, and before they even finish, you respond with, “That reminds me of when I…”? Or maybe you’ve jumped in with advice before fully understanding what they were trying to say. It’s not that we don’t care—it’s that we’ve been conditioned to respond, not to truly listen. Genuine listening is not just about hearing words; it’s about being present and offering someone the space to express themselves without judgment or interruption.
The Difference Between Hearing and Truly Listening
We hear things all the time—conversations in the background, music playing, people talking. But true listening requires more than just processing words. As Dean Jackson put it, “Listening is an art that requires attention over talent, spirit over ego, others over self.” It involves:
Presence: Being fully in the moment, without checking your phone or thinking about what to say next.
Empathy: Trying to understand what the other person is feeling rather than focusing on what you would feel in their situation.
Patience: Allowing pauses, giving them time to share at their own pace, and resisting the urge to interrupt.
Non-Judgment: Accepting their feelings without trying to change or minimize them.
When you listen with intention, you create a space where the other person feels safe to open up. This isn’t about waiting for your turn to talk—it’s about making the speaker feel heard and valued.
How to Improve Your Listening Habits
Becoming a better listener is a skill that requires practice, but the impact it has on our relationships is profound. Here are some actionable ways to improve your listening:
Pause Before Responding: Instead of immediately jumping in with your thoughts, take a moment. Let the other person finish. A short silence often encourages them to share more, which can lead to a deeper conversation.
Listen Without Thinking of Your Reply: If you find yourself mentally preparing a response while the other person is still speaking, pause. Shift your focus back to their words.
Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of responding with a simple “That must be hard,” try asking, “How did that make you feel?” This encourages the person to open up more.
Validate Their Feelings: Even if you don’t fully understand or agree, acknowledge their emotions. Phrases like “That sounds really tough” or “I can see why that would upset you” help the speaker feel heard and valued.
Resist the Urge to Fix: Many times, people just want to be heard, not given a solution. Instead of offering advice, try saying, “I’m here for you,” and let them lead the conversation toward solutions if they want to.
Observe Nonverbal Cues: A lot is communicated through body language, tone, and facial expressions. Pay attention to these signs, as they can give you deeper insight into how the person is truly feeling.
As M. Scott Peck said, “You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time. "Listening is one of the simplest yet most powerful acts of kindness. When we listen—not just hear, but truly listen—we create a space where people feel valued, understood, and less alone. A simple conversation where someone feels heard can ease their burden, strengthen relationships, and even change lived. In a world full of noise, be the one who truly listens. The impact may be greater than you think.